By some unknown force I found myself standing in front of the international travel section in Chapters (the Canadian equivalent to Barnes and Noble). As I stared at the shelves filled with books flaunting various country names on their spines, waves of nostalgia crashed over me, quite unexpectedly I might add. I miss it. Suddenly, I missed it: the planning, the excitement, the wondering what awaits me in a new country, a new culture, a new city.
Geez, that didn’t take long! But my nose has come to feel so entirely at home when it’s smashed inside a Let’s Go guidebook.
Seriously, sometimes I just feel like it’s such a curse, a curse. When I’m home, I crave the road. When I’m on the road, I miss home. Why, oh why, can’t I be one of those people that is content to live, marry, and have children where they were born and never want to leave? Yet that’s never been me. Even as a kid before I’d been anywhere, I still wondered a lot about the world out there.
I like that as my own little world grows bigger, the world out there feels smaller. I enjoy having my world be big.
While on the verge of making my home in one place, I find I still have that turtle-like sense of home, so that home isn’t necessarily a certain spot on earth, but a certain sense of feeling at home wherever I am. There’s freedom in that.
They say home is where the heart is. If this is true, then no wonder I can feel at home even in a new place. It’s just in me, apart of me, to love discovering, exploring, seeing the world with fresh eyes. My heart is in it.
Still, there’s no place like home, when “home” does mean a certain spot on earth. You know, that spot where all your stuff is, where you belong to people and they belong to you. That’s apart of me too. It’s been so long and I really, really want that. Soon. I want it soon.
Somehow, someday, maybe I’ll find a way to live in the tension between my home on the road and my home with four walls. Then maybe it won’t feel like a curse.
2 Comments
Lindsay,
I can understand that feeling of not really having a home…though having many places that you would love living. Also, I share those same feelings of not having the desire to simply settle down and have that be the end of it. For some that sounds appealing, and to others claustrophobic. But besides all of the desire for adventure there is still the strong desire to have close friends and family that you remain connected with. There is also the harsh reality though of friendships fading away when they realize you are leaving or moving, and begin to pull away…or vice versa.
All this to say, you are not strange for having this struggle going on inside you, and I have much respect for someone who continues to pursue their dreams and explore the world despite what may be considered “normal.” You will never regret this last year of your life. Never.
I think the image of a turtle is a lot like the life Christ calls us to. “This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin through..” Sorry for the memory lane of Sunday night hymn sings. Slow and steady it will become clear :)