I felt as if I were shriveling up in a black hole here in the darkness of winter, in the cold, in the snow, in the loneliness of it all. Then I walked downtown Denver, suddenly I felt so free. The simple act of wandering down the street made me realize again how I just love love LOVE the city. I need it. I thrive on it. The energy. The people. The movement. The ideas.
December was a tough month. After the job I was counting on in Vancouver fell through at the beginning of the month, I was tired, just plain tired from all the research on Canadian immigration and job openings of which there were none, and had a headache from hitting my head on all those proverbial brick walls along the way. At first I thought I should fight for it. I started writing a letter. But somehow the timing didn’t feel quite right.
At the end of the day, I felt the word for me was WAIT. So I’ve been waiting.
In this time, I spent three weeks in a drug study effectively ignoring life since there wasn’t much I else could do at the moment anyway. It was an oddly carefree time in the midst of a frustrating wait. But then I got out and instead of reveling in my newfound freedom, I promptly got sucked into that black hole and it stole away most of my hope.
Surrounded all around by solid rock except for that tiny passageway called a one way ticket to Vancouver on January 6th, I’ve decided to begin moving again in the only direction I’m able. I’m beginning to see the light of hope leading me forward again.
2007 was an amazing year. Quite possibly the best yet. The wandering, the discovering, the adventure, the snapping of my camera shutter around the world. I mourned watching it pass. But time is not something that allows itself to be gripped and held on to. So instead, I’m the one getting a grip and seizing 2008 for all it’s worth.
For the first time in my life, the year ahead of me is completely blank beyond January 31. I have no idea what will happen this month in Vancouver, but what I do know is I’m meant to go there. I’d really like if I’d stay a while, but if it is only meant to lead me to the next place, I’m fine with that too.
It feels a bit strange to not completely feel like I’m in control of my own destiny but the adventure continues, and I truly believe things happen for a reason and that helps me cope with the frustration. Things always work out. They just have to. God uses all things for good in my life, and it helps when I embrace it all, not just the fun bits.
Plus I really can’t go wrong hanging out with my friends for a solid few weeks. I’ve missed being with my friends, really missed them. I’ve missed being near people who really understand me. I know I don’t live my life by the mold most people do and I’m completely fine with that, but it really, really helps to be with people who also live outside that mold and who just get each other. I’m still figuring out how to live in accord with what vibrates inside of me.
The day after Christmas, I set out for the horizon together with my friend Ross and we made a break for the open road, ending in Denver. Getting away gave me a much needed break from that nasty black hole and shredding the majestic Rocky slopes allowed me to clear my head.
This Sunday I look forward to arriving in a city I find immensely energizing and fresh, drinking coffee and laughing with friends, and after a few days I’ll see what I can do about getting that job to be mine.
